Young Writers Society

“Se turned back to her game of solitaire and moved the eight of spades under the nine of diamonds and flipped the unexposed card.”
It should be she.

“Looking around, making sure Jeff wasn’t there trying to freak her out, she opened the cover and a breeze blew up in her face. Leaves sputtered out of the picture on the first page and drifted to her lap. One landed in her hair. She slammed the book shut, adrenaline pulsed through her veins and she could taste the bitter taste of bile sitting at the back of her throat.”
I love the leaves! It makes it sound sort of mysterious, in a good way!

“No leaves, no breeze, but the thunder and lightning remained and the rain still smacked against her window.”
“Smacked against her window” is a great description, it’s pretty amazing.

“She raised her hand to touch the picture. Her fingers brushed it and then plunged into the picture. She gasped and pulled her hand out. She brought it up to her face and found there was not even a scratch. She went to try again and it rippled into rings where her fingers went in. She wiggled them and could see them on the other side. She felt the grass! It was very warm.”
Again, too many she’s, and I liked it except for the last sentence. “It was very warm.” Took the magic out of it for me, you could say something like “the warm blades tickled Nicole’s hand, making her giggle.”

“Outside she could hear the first raindrops splash down against her window. Plink, plink, plink.”
Again, great description.

“She raised her hand to wipe a tear at the corner of her eye. Her shaky hand brushed something next to her head on her pillow.
She picked it up and studied it in the darkness of her room.

It was a leaf.”

I loved the simplicity of it! Just try to use something other than “she.”
All in all, great!

Hmm... very good, very good!

Only one thing so far: in this paragraph, (“Dangit,” she muttered, it was a queen of spades. “I didn’t need one of those.”) just a personal opinion, but maybe you could change (she muttered, it was a queen of spades.) to something like ("she muttered; it was a queen of spades.) or (she muttered. It was a queen of spades) or maybe even to (she muttered, "queen of spades. Didn't need one of those.") Just a personal opinion. Everybody else just about covered everything else.

Again, it was very good!

Ailam Remard wrote:Chapter Two

Barkley was lying on Nicole's bed, sleeping. >> more description here perhaps? snoring quietly...etc Nicole laughed as she watched his legs twitch, like he was chasing something >> description instead of 'something'. Se turned back to her game of solitaire and moved the eight of spades under the nine of diamonds and flipped the unexposed card.

“Dangit,” she muttered, it was a queen of spades. “I didn’t need one of those.”

Barkley growled >>roughly in his sleep.

Deciding the game was a goner, Nicole put the cards back in a stack and patted Barkley’s head. He calmed and his legs stopped twitching.

“You catch that cat, baby boy,” she whispered in his ear, laying down next to him. Her head hit something hard and she turned to find The Storybook sitting near her pillow.

“I didn’t put you there,” she muttered, sitting up. She took it and set it on her lap. “Do you want me to read you or something?” cut nicole asked. shes the only person there. its obvious.

Yes.

Nicole looked around, startled, but there was no one to be seen.

“Ok, wow. This is creepy,” I can't imagine anyone saying 'this is creepy' while they are alone, no matter how freakd out they are. maybe try something like "What the..." she whispered, dropping the book back onto her pillow. But it was only a few moments before some weird force, some feeling, urged her to pick it up again, so, slightly shaken, she did.

Looking around, making sure Jeff wasn’t there trying to freak her out, she opened the cover and a cool (a word to add, not a compliment, though it is good ) breeze blew up into her face. Leaves sputtered out of the picture on the first page and drifted slowly to her lap. One landed in her hair. She slammed the book shut, adrenaline pulsing through her veins. She could taste the bitter flavour/tang of bile sitting at the back of her throat.

Barkley woke up, looked at her and issued a disgruntled whimper. Leaves had covered her whole bedspread.

“Did you see that?” she asked Barkley, her voice teetering on the edge of panic. He scrambled off her bed and sat by the door, clearly wanting out.

“You’re a sook,” she laughed shakily, and opened her door to let him out. He trotted down the hall and around the corner.

Nicole sat back down on her bed and grabbed the book. Maybe it was just my imagination, she thought.
This theory, however, was soon ruled out by the fact that the leaves were still there, and her window was completely shut.

Rain pounded against her window and thunder cracked loudly outside. Hadn’t it just been quiet only moments before? Something very strange was going on, and she wanted to find out what it was.

Taking a deep, sharp breath, Nicole flicked the book open once more.

Nothing. >> i like this use of 'nothing'

No leaves, no breeze. Nothing but the thunder and lightning remained and the rain incessantly smacking against her window.

She looked down at the page and saw a tree. A blue, cloudless sky hung overhead, and green grass cushioned the ground around the crooked trunk. She could almost see the breeze whipping the leaves up into a frenzy and making the grass sway in waves like a vast green ocean.

Below the picture was printed a single word; Delaine.

She raised her hand to softly touch the picture. Her fingers brushed it, and then, astonishingly, plunged through the pages and into the landscape drawing. She gasped and quickly pulled her hand out. Eyeing the book nervously, she moved slowly forward, trying once again to break into the picture. It rippled into rings with the slightest touch of her fingers. She wiggled them and could see them moving on the other side. Feeling around, she touched the smooth, fresh-cut grass. It was very warm; probably heated by the beaming sun that shone from above.

Right now there was nothing she would rather do than sit under the leafy tree and feel the heat of the sunlight on her cold, pale cheeks. She closed her eyes and could almost feel it, she could almost smell the sweet sent of the grass, the trees and flowers blossoming close by. Nature was tempting her, clawing at her with beckoning fingers.

She snapped open her eyes to find that she hadn't been imagining it, she was really there, in land of the picture. She let out a squeal, only, no sound escaped her lips. Her throat seemed to close up like a clam and breathing became an impossible task. She looked up and saw not sky, but ceiling. Her ceiling. She could see through the outline of the picture and into her room.

She stretched her arms up high and struggled to jump, but couldn’t leap high enough. Only her hand could reach hopelessly in front of her. She looked around desperately for something to stand on so she could reach higher, but there wasn’t anything.

Hot tears ran down her cheeks and she jumped, over and over and over again.

* * *

Nicole woke up, the pillow under her face blotched with wet patches, stained by her rolling tears.

It was just a dream. >> I hope it wasn't really a dream - that is a very cliche convention.

She looked to her bedside table to find the book sitting there plainly. It almost seemed to mock and laugh at her.

Dumb book. Dumb old lady.

She turned her pillow over to the dry side and closed her eyes, but she wasn’t tired. That dream had seemed too real, too vivid to be imagined.

Outside she could hear the first raindrops splash down against her window. Plink, plink, plink.

She raised her hand to wipe a tear at the corner of her eye. Her shaky hand brushed a small something next to her head on the pillow.

Picking it up, she felt its rough texture and squinted at it it through the darkness of her room.

It was a leaf.

You asked for my review and I'm gladly helping. Though I do think that everyone covered everything; I really do need to start browsing the fiction sections for things that haven't been reviewed again. Other than missing the S in the first paragraph:

Se turned back to her game of solitaire

That was really cool! I really liked it! I kind of got scared and felt sad for her. But, now that she kind of hates tha book, is she ever going to actually read it? Isn't she going to be scared that if she does, she will go into the picture for real and won't be able to get out? I probally would!

This was a really good chapter. Except for the few typos and the rushed unclarity of some of her actions, I really enjoyed reading it.

Like wisemann210 said, character development needs to be there for sure. And BigBadBear is right, but I think I understand why she doesn't have a name yet. Almost understand it. Anyway...

I'm a fifth year theatre student at my school and a regular techie, and I think this is why I'm so picky about the setting descriptions. I loved how you descriped the setting of the picture in the book. How the storm suddenly started and she could hear it above all else. But, I still think there needs to be more descriptions of her room. It's said a person's room really reveals them, which is why I think I still can't really get a focus on who she is.

So far, however, I'm loving this story. I see chapter three is out, so I'm going to go absorb that. *Laughs* Keep up the goow work, you're a fantastic writer!
~Kiley

Thanks, Jared. Is that enough Nicole's for you? Lol. I just missed you! I got on 15 minutes after you posted this! Dang you! lol.

Oooo, creepy creepy and more creepiness! It gave me the shivers, your last line!

Nicely done!

I do have some advise for you, however:

Animals have feelings too

Like wisemann said above, just because Barkley is a dog doesn't mean he has to be like all the other dogs. Make him unique! Make him your own creation! The same goes for your other characters. I still haven't gotten a feel for your MC...is she prideful? Shy? Peppy? Sorrowful? You need to express that to your readers.

Details are Key

Yes, they are. You did very well with the wind/leaves/storybook scene but I think you could have done even MORE! Expanding would be good. Descripe the picture moe, describe her feelings on this more. Stuff like that.

Umm, other than that, you seem to be doing very well.

Can't wait to see more!

Aliam Remard,

This was an amazing chapter. Not that it surprised me or anything that you could write such a great story. It’s really getting good. I cannot wait for the next chapter.

One thing, though, that you didn’t have in this chapter was the name of the girl. She was always, well… she! She did this. She did that. We, as YWS readers, aren’t going to remember your main character’s name just yet. It’s been so long since you’ve posted that I’ve forgotten. So, I would go in this and edit out a lot of the ‘she’s and insert her name. Because, otherwise, it gets really old and really repetitive.

I know that you probably struggled with this chapter because who wouldn’t? It would be really hard to describe how to enter a book. But, I think, you pulled it off quite nicely. It got a little confusing at times, so what I would do is read this out loud. Maybe something will click and you have a way that you can fix it? I dunno. It’s your story, and you’re doing a fantastic job with it. I loved every sentence.

So, good job. Can you PM me when the next chapter comes out? I really want to read it.

Your fan,

-Jared

hey i am here as you requested, however, since this is a short piece and not full of mistakes i will mainly focus on the characters that you have and make some overall suggestions

the reason i am not giving it a full in-depth critique is because it is a short 815 word chapter that somebody else has already critiqued indepth so now there are no mistakes.

barkley

-- yes, he is a dog but that dosn't mean that he can't be characterized, anyway barkey is only a good character. i think to make him more interesting maybe he can do a trick or two in the future and i would also like to see barkley go into the book with the M.C. and maybe get lost so she has to find him, warding off creatures inside of the book to get to him?

[b]nicole
-- i like this character, but she acts mean by saying dumb book, dumb old lady, but then she acts nice in the last chapter by using all of the manners in the world? this character although good could use a little working on.


[b]jeff
--
i know really nothing about this character and i think you should get him envolved in the next chapter or it will be too late to envolve him really at all so the sooner i know "jeff" the better

[b]mother
--
the same about jeff, all i know is that in the first chapter she texted nicole saying when are you going to get home? bring this character in as soon as possible, maybe over a family dinner?

old lady of the book store
--
i think that this is an aloof character and brings a mystery to the story which is a good thing. i think in the next chapter nicole should go back the next day to the store and ask questions about the book and then the old lady could say i used to do it too and these are the adventures i had blah blah blah and maybe the old lady could give her some insight as to what dangers to look out fr and watch out for.

overall i liked this short, very short piece but i think with my suggestions it will make it better and i think you should use some of the ideas for chapter three, they're all yours

pm if you want more ideas!

---Jon---

That's a good piece, you put a lot of effort into it. I am so glad you wrote #2 . It was really fun reading it.

I hope you continue writing, because you are really good. I love the detail you put into this.

Yeah, I love this story.

-- M.B.

Ahh, the story(book) continues. Let me thee...

Ailam Remard wrote:
Chapter Two

Barkley was lying on her bed, sleeping. She laughed as she watched his legs twitch as if chasing something. She turned back to her game of solitaire and moved the eight of spades under the nine of diamonds and flipped the exposed card. Flipped the exposed card? Why'd she flip it if it was exposed? You mean unexposed?

“Dangit,” she muttered, it was a queen. “I didn’t need one of those.”

Barkley growled in his sleep.

Deciding the game was a goner, she put the cards back in a stack and patted Barkley’s head. He calmed and his legs stopped twitching.

“You catch that cat, baby boy,” she whispered in his ear and lay down next to him. Her head hit something hard and she turned to find The Storybook sitting near her pillow.

“I didn’t put you there,” she muttered, sitting up. She took it and set it on her lap. “Do you want me to read you or something?” she asked it.

Yes. Could put this in cursive.

She looked around, startled, but found she was completely alone.

“Ok, wow. This is creepy,” she said and put the book back down by her pillow, but some weird force urged her to pick it up again, so she did.

Looking around, making sure Jeff wasn’t there trying to freak her out or something, she opened the cover and a breeze blew up in her face. Leaves sputtered out of the picture on the first page and drifted to her lap. One landed in her hair. She slammed the book shut, adrenaline pulsing through her veins, making a sick taste in the back of her throat. This sounds weird and plain to me, maybe "and she felt the bitter taste of bile in the back of her throat"?

Barkley woke up, looked at her and whined. Leaves covered her whole bedspread.

“Did you see that, baby boy?” she asked him. Could detail how her voice was like here, think the scene is just screaming for that! He jumped off her bed and sat next to her door, wanting let This is a bit unnecessary. out.

“You’re a baby,” she laughed, shakily, and opened her door to let him out. He trotted down the hall and around the corner.

She sat back down on her bed and grabbed the book. Maybe it was just my imagination, she thought. The only problem was the leaves were still there, and her window was completely shut.

Rain pounded against her window and thunder cracked outside. Hadn’t it just been quiet only moments before? Something weird was going on, and she wanted to find out what.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the book once more.

Nothing happened?.

No leaves, no breeze, but the thunder and lightning prevailed Don't think the word fits, try "remained" instead? and the rain still smacked against her window.

She looked at the page and saw a tree. Blue, cloudless, Strike that comma. sky hung overhead, and green grass cushioned the ground around the tree. She could almost see the breeze flutter the leaves and make the grass sway in waves like a green ocean. Nice description.

Below the picture was printed a single word, Delaine.

She raised her hand to touch the picture. Her fingers brushed it and then plunged into the picture. She gasped and pulled her hand out. She brought it up to her face and found there was not even a scratch. She went to try again and it rippled into rings where her fingers went in. She wiggled them and could see them on the other side. She felt the grass! It was very warm.

She found herself wishing she could sit under the tree and feel the warm sun on her cold, pale cheeks. She closed her eyes and could almost feel it, she could almost smell the grass and tree.

She opened her eyes too find she was really there. She tried to scream but couldn’t. Her throat seemed to close up and it seemed hard for her to breathe. She looked up and saw not sky, but ceiling, her ceiling! She could see through the picture and into her room.

She tried to jump but couldn’t jump high enough. Only her hand could reach out. She looked around desperately for something to stand on so she could reach higher, but there wasn’t anything.

Tears ran down her cheeks and she jumped over and over again.

* * *

She woke up, the pillow under her face wet with hot tears.

It was just a dream.

She looked to her bedside table to find the book just sitting there. It almost seemed to mock her and laugh at her.

Dumb book, dumb old lady.

She turned her pillow over to the dry side and closed here eyes, but she wasn’t tired. That dream had seemed too real for her liking.
Outside she could hear the first raindrops splash down against her window. Plink, plink, plink.

She raised her hand to wipe a remaining This sounds awkward. Try something along the lines of "tear that remained at the corner of her eye" or something? Could also just cut the word out. tear at the corner of her eye Could just end the sentence here, and start a new one. It's getting a bit long. and her hand brushed something next to her head on her pillow.

She picked it up and studied it in the darkness of her room.

It was a leaf.